Sorry for the silence. The holidays have been rough. Too much family drama and too many people that want us (family of 5 with 3 small kids) to come see THEM. ugh.
Money has been another issue. So many holidays and birthdays. We just can’t seem to catch a break. Then yesterday we got word my husband may be losing his job in the coming months.
So my stress level instantly went through the roof.
Yesterday was a day from hell. A day I wish I could erase from history. A day that I am so ashamed of. A day I will never forgive myself for.
I told my 3yr old I hated him. Like 10 times in a row.
I am the worst mother and biggest asshole.
My husband won’t even lock eyes with me and for the first time in years I truly feel alone.
I have always felt alone in my battle with ppd. If I talk about it with my husband, he looks at me with disgust.
I hate myself enough for all of us.
I threw in the towel for now with sewing. That hurts too. The one thing that has helped me heal. I have asked my husband repeatedly for “me” time so I can sew and be a better me, but I never am allowed the time. Something always comes up. Trying to do it during the day with the 3 kids around makes me crazy and worse off. So I am abandoning the notion for now.
Its the moments when I can sit and sew and listen to my music that I feel the most at ease. I rememeber telling my husband last week how happy I was to sew.
I just wish I had time, I wish I had me time. I wish I knew what “me” was these days.
All I am now is ‘mom’ or ‘housekeeper’.
I think in order to fully heal I will need to find ‘me’ again and to stop using such hurtful words.
The problem is that I was so angry I didn’t even know what I was saying until the damage was done.
The problem is that I hate me so much that I can’t be happy with anything. I ty so hard to be happy.
Most days I pull it off. I can fake a smile, pretend I care.
But really…really…I am tired. Tired of trying to fight myself. Tired of being me.